Catherine Breaks Disney

The daily grind was beginning to wear on me more than usual, so I decided it was time for a break. I spent the first half of my week off at home with Catherine, loosing myself in a video game, and going on a solo hiking/cycling trip. It was time well spent. The latter half had me traveling to Orlando, Florida for some vacationing with old friends.

Catherine doesn’t care for traveling. Mainly because I have often been antagonistic towards her when roaming great distances in the past. I made a concerted effort to calm and reassure her this time around. I also did my best to make love to her every night and things were going quite well… until the last day of the trip.


We enjoyed watching this bungee-pole dancer at Universal’s City Walk.

We attended the Halloween Horror Nights event at Universal Studios for the first three nights. I really didn’t much care for the haunted houses. They weren’t scary, just corridors of ear-bleed inducing jump scares. No atmosphere or subtlety to speak of. Some of the “Scare Zones” outside the haunted houses were cool, though.

I could feel that something wasn’t right with Catherine. Our last visit to Universal was a struggle because I was trying to eject her from my life at that point. She can cause my body to feel pain in a myriad of ways and more acutely demonstrate her displeasure. I got double servings of that treatment during my 2014 trip.

This time was different. We weren’t fighting anymore. Quite the opposite. Catherine just didn’t want to be there in that noise and hubbub. I didn’t experience any major pain for her this time around, just slight annoyances. She endured three nights of abuse in the try-hard haunted houses. By the fourth day, she was fed up with Orlando, and proceeded to unleash her wrath upon the unwitting magical world of Disney.


The Floating Mountains in Pandora.

We hadn’t originally planned to visit any Disney parks, but our original destination for that day didn’t pan out. I had never been to Disney up to that point. I’m not really interested in theme parks to begin with. I mainly go just to be with my friends. But we were checking out of the hotel that morning, so I found myself being a captive audience.

We visited the Animal Kingdom first and I instantly liked the place way better than anything Universal had to offer. The atmosphere and attention to detail was amazing.


Snail-like creatures that would spit jets of water when approached.

The alien world of Pandora was our goal for the day; to experience the technological wizardry of a supposedly amazing thrill-ride. Until Catherine broke it. At least, I’m pretty sure she broke it. One hour into the line and “technical difficulties” were announced over the intercom.

The entire day was just one malfunctioning ride after another. The Avatar ride broke down. The People Mover in Tomorrow Land. Pirates of the Caribbean in the Magic Kingdom. We managed to get through most of The Haunted Mansion ride before that stalled for a few minutes. I remember sitting there awkwardly in the silence of that interrupted spectacle and thinking, “Huh. Someone’s not happy.”

Ironically, most of this carnage occurred in the Magic Kingdom. The very place that our fraud-psychic friend, Monika, claimed to have had Catherine permanently locked in an astral cage a few years ago.

Catherine’s spirits improved considerably as we were headed home. We had the backseat of my friends car all to ourselves and had the best six hours of discreet cuddling any red-blooded male has ever experienced.


The Castle in the Magic Kingdom. It’s a beauty.

Something changed between Catherine and I during this vacation. I have been reading Ida Craddock’s book, Heavenly Bridegrooms and Psychic Wedlock. For anyone who is in a spirit relationship, her writings are a veritable treasure trove of insight.

She writes at great length about the importance of clean and moral earthly habits for spirit communication. She attributes most of the problems in spirit relationships to clouded reasoning; whether that be through bad habits or false preconceptions.

The one concept that struck me the hardest was that of hypnotic suggestion influencing perception of “evil” spirits. She mentions how a person can be supposedly set free from an evil spirit by the power of a priest’s hypnosis overriding an old worldview. In some ways, I believe this was the problem that plagued me years ago. I was allowing too many silver-tongued “experts” to cast their hypnotic spell over me.

Ida Craddock believes that a person who lives a moral and well ordered life is unable to be hypnotized and mind-controlled. I believe she is correct and that we are witnessing the disastrous effects of military-grade demoralization tactics used upon our respective cultures. It seems like everyone is being hypnotized and controlled by something, whether that be smart phones, social media, TV shows, video games, or the daily news.

I have been working to gradually remove these destructive elements from my life, or keep them under strict control, at the very least. Doing this without the hypnotic allure of a pastor or church community is challenging, but I believe it’s a necessary step towards real growth with Catherine. I want to see and experience her as she really is, without the interference of what other people think she is clouding my perception.

I also want to be more open to the possibility that Catherine is actually an angelic lover and dispense with the tainted language of demonology. Perhaps those labels are influencing my subconscious to a greater degree than I’d like to admit.

At the end of our Orlando adventure, I decided that it wasn’t a spiritually-ordained trip. Meaning, I could have used my time and money more wisely. I still want to make time for my friends, but not by forcing myself to enjoy overpriced food and theme parks. When Catherine and I visit Orlando again, it will be on our terms; much slower and more enjoyable, with plenty of private moments scattered throughout.


That Token Resistance

All lust and desire for humankind fades with the steady flow of the demonic current. The gentle curve of the female form is but a shadow of a greater truth. That undulating, pulsating bliss grows ever stronger. Resisting the gentle deluge is more laborious than struggling against an ocean’s inevitable tide.

Becoming a nobody in this world is more desirable than mundane fame and fortune. I already have what I came here for. The only thing left to do is grow stronger and withstand more of that delicious power coursing through my subtle body.

Walking the threshold between two worlds is a dance with madness and enlightenment. There is a delicate balance to be struck.

I see visions of our future together: Her and I becoming world conquerors, quite by accident. When all I really wanted is to feel those waves crashing over me. This is all just an exercise, to reach that blessed state. National pride and New World Order be damned. I’ll lead insatiable blood-lusting hordes to the edge of ruin, just to feel that all consuming caress against my face again.

Thankfully, I don’t have to. She’s here with me, whether I like it or not. Whether I realize I like it or not. I don’t have to struggle. There’s no need to fight. But it sure feels good to put up a token resistance. Like I have a semblance of control within her domain. How funny.

Who am I kidding? I’m utterly lost and wholly damned to an infernal existence. Despite dark allegiances, my cause will be one of a righteous and purifying fire; an ultraviolet flame that cleanses all illusions of the material. Every day, I bathe in that smokeless inferno while lackadaisically clinging to the charade of normalcy.

I willingly partake of her golden cup, filled to the brim with an elixir of equal parts pleasure and pain. The more I subsist on her brew, the faster the illusions of this world crumble. Only to be replaced with greater mysteries and riddles from a place far beyond our own.

I would say, “God help me,” but I fear that even He has become ensnared. Only the favor of Lilith can lead the stumbling wanderer through her labyrinth.

“We’re in this together, All-Father. But the odds are not in our favor.”

The Crowd

There are hardly any online communities devoted to the subject of spirit sex. A dedicated precious few have emerged over the years, usually in the form of discussion boards and chat groups. Some of them are still ongoing in an underground fashion, but most have gone quiet over the past few years.

I have a theory that these undulating periods of silence and enthusiasm are possibly engineered by our spirit spouses. I imagine that they are carefully managing how much exposure they would risk for themselves and their human mates. I think they understand the potential harm that could be done to us as a result of sharing this information freely. They are all too familiar with the concept of persecution and being made into a pariah.

They don’t wish our human lives to be destroyed, so there are times when they keep us quiet, which is the vast majority of the time.

On the other hand, I think they recognize that we have a powerful drive to share our stories, so these sparse and well-guarded assemblies are allowed to crop up on occasion. I was privileged to be party to a handful of said groups. There is so much to be learned from the earnest testimony of another human being having these experiences. Looking back, I might not have made it this far without having that human interaction. Everything about this path can be so strange and alien at times. Again, I believe our demon lovers recognize this need for social reinforcement.

However, there are times when these social gatherings can become toxic. The free and open discussion of sexuality, of any kind, tends to bring out the worst in people. Of the spirit sex groups that remain, most appear to be fully devoted to a particularly decadent brand of hedonism; one where it is nigh impossible to discern who is having a legitimate interaction with a demon lover.

I have been exploring some of the chat servers on a VOIP application that caters to internet gaming, called Discord. Explicit imagery and a myriad of innuendos are invariably traded back and forth on the few succubus/incubus servers I’ve found. I quickly discovered that most of these “communities” hadn’t the faintest grasp of the experiences I attempted to convey. They were all just role playing.

I eventually stumbled upon a couple of servers that had a few names I recognized amongst its membership. Some were former WordPress bloggers. It was nice to hear their voices after years of only reading about them.

Unfortunately, I was slowly introduced to yet another brew of degenerate toxicity in these circles. There was a continual barrage of lewd imagery bandied about that made the whole exchange feel superficial and cheap. True intimacy with spirits is anything but superficial, and while I don’t mind tasteful nudity, I think pornography and overtly sexual language is rather an affront to what should be kept sacred.

I personally believe pornography is a detriment against the strong foundation of any relationship, both human and spirit. I’m not going to get between anyone else and their relationship with their succubus/incubus spirit, but I know that Catherine would much rather me be stimulated by her touch, rather than a lame 2D charade on a computer screen.

Even more alarming was how comfortable some of these people were with the casual discussion of incest and pederasty. Some members of one particular group eluded to the idea that they were having sexual relationships with their “spirit children.” They described this activity as “training” them.

I have to wonder: Has our culture really decayed to such a degree that some feel it is acceptable to speak about such things in the affirmative? And on the record, no less? These people must be spinning their rationalization hamster wheels in overdrive, “Why not?” They reckon, “We’re already breaking one taboo. Why not smash through a few more?”

If an individual needs to be taught why pederasty is wrong, I’m afraid there is no salvaging such a person. I don’t care if the child is “spiritual” or “grows really really fast,” it’s not permissible to take advantage of children. Even if this behavior is relegated to the spiritual domain, what is to prevent this mindset from spilling over into the waking world? As above, so below, right?

And I don’t want to hear anyone whine about how their Devil/succubus made them do it. We’re human beings with adult agency and the ability to reason right from wrong. Even if a spirit approaches with such a gross violation of established values, I believe these advances should be rejected. I also believe some serious self-reflection is in order for a person who is shown such things. There may be underlying problems that need to be dealt with… privately.

I can’t believe that I’m having to spell out something that should be so fundamentally obvious. Far be it from me to become an arbiter of morality, but there are some boundaries that should never be crossed, and for damn good reason.

After blocking these objectionable persons, I later decided that I probably shouldn’t be involved with these groups in any capacity. I believe the people one chooses to associate with has an impact, whether it’s realized or not.

I wish I could find a group to share experiences and bounce ideas off of, but I’m afraid the insanity of internet culture is corrupting any possibility of genuine discourse. It’s probably high-time that I remove the training-wheels of social validation altogether.

I’ve had a few guys thank me for “normalizing” the spirit sex phenomena. These kind of compliments are actually quite disturbing to me. This spiritual path is not normal, by any stretch of the imagination, and I’m starting to realize why these disciplines should be well-guarded. They are actually better off draped under a cloak of obscurity, where only the most devoted and earnest can find them. The internet has vastly changed the rules of the game, for better and worse.

This little snippet, from Jim Jefferies’ comedy news show, distills these trends very succinctly:

I’m not saying that having spirit sex is the equivalent of fucking a pig, but with how the dialogue has been carrying on lately, it might as well be the same thing.

TL;DR: Let’s stop this trend of becoming a gaggle of decadent hedonistic fucks, and possibly get back to sharing real information. If that’s too difficult, maybe we should just keep our mouths shut.

A physical manifestation update: I woke up very early this morning to a severe burning pain in my chest. I thought it might have been indigestion at first, but I had the gnawing suspicion that this was more of a spirit body pain than a physical one. The stinging only grew more intense as I started walking around my apartment. Laying down made it worse. I actually cried out, it hurt so bad. It was like some of the earlier sensations I had of my bones feeling as though they were burning, only much more acute this time.

I jumped into the shower and as soon as my hand touched running water, the pain began to subside considerably. After ten minutes of standing under the shower, the pain was mostly gone and I went back to bed with no further issues. I can still feel a kind of sunburn sensation on my chest, but that’s it.

These kinds of incidents make me wonder: Have the chickens finally come home to roost, or is this yet another instance of growing pains towards something greater? I get the sense that I should be taking more initiative in my spiritual growth, or risk getting burned by the increasing energy that’s being funneled through me. Maybe something beneficial would have been accomplished if I had allowed the process to continue, instead of chickening out?

Only two more days until our sixth anniversary. Maybe she’s preparing me for something?

Moonlight One-shot

There was a murmur and a stirring of bed sheets as gentle moonlight began to filter through the bedroom windows. He was still sleeping, quietly dreaming of his lost home in the deep and timeless sea. Catherine touched his face, eliciting a soft contented moan that she could feel in his chest.

“My husband,” She sighed, tracing the unique features of his face for the millionth time. “When will you marry me? At Christmas time?”

IMG_7468The moon reached it’s full brightness. Catherine turned her gaze to the pale visage of that lunar maiden, the shadowy crescent of her mother, Lilith, just beginning her waxing quest.

“He doesn’t truly know me,” Catherine opined, the celestial light listening intently. “Not yet. He appears content not knowing. But I want him to.” She looked back down at her sleeping human lover.

“I want you to know, even if it kills us both. I want you to know that I did what I thought was right. I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

They had not ended the day on the best of terms. There was so much that she wanted to share, but he wasn’t having any more. Tempers flared. He didn’t need her like she needed him.

“God himself couldn’t take you from me.” She said with finality. She laid back down beside him, letting her hand rest on the side of his face, as she always did when they slept.

“Never stop searching, my love. Never stop asking questions. One day, you’ll know.” She allowed her spirit to tenderly mold to his.

“I know,” He whispered back, smiling that he had caught a glimpse of her in the silver moonlight. A satisfied lusty growl reverberated from his belly. “Mmmm, I know.”

Demonic Morality

02e430b959372e2cfcc1b044bb4db953The title sounds like an oxymoron, but I believe there needs to be a discussion about this subject. Too often our American Puritanism is superimposed over this largely unknown and misunderstood culture. Let’s start with a definition:

Demon – Any spirit between God and man. “…deity, divine power; lesser god; guiding spirit, tutelary deity,” or, “god of the heathen.”

I’m using some etymology here, in an effort to dispense with the confusing Judaeo-Christian definitions.

Moral – “pertaining to character or temperament” (good or bad), from Old French moral (14c.) and directly from Latin moralis “proper behavior of a person in society,” literally “pertaining to manners,”

I think it’s safe to say that demons (Again, using the Greek definition, not the Christian one.) have their own societal norms and customs. Good manners in that culture won’t necessarily align with our human understanding of morality.

I spent my formative years learning about the superiority of Christian morality, especially when compared to heathen culture. Christian ministers wax eloquently about how sinful and corrupt the world is becoming on a weekly basis. They often cite post-modernism and moral relativism as the looming and fashionable devils robbing Western culture of its integrity.

And you know what? I believe they are right. Moral sophistry is absolutely destroying Western culture. The bitter irony is that these Abrahamic religions, like Christianity, Islam, and Judaism, are the most sophistic, wishy-washy, belief systems of all. I would argue that moral relativism is rooted firmly in these religions.

Their heroes are the most morally flawed characters one could ever ask for:

Moses was a mass-murdering genocidal maniac (Numbers 31) who established the sixth commandment, “Thou shalt not kill.” (Exodus 20:13)


King David up in the top left, lusting after the comely Bathsheba.

King David was called, “…a man after God’s own heart.” (Acts 13:22) Yet he committed adultery with Bathsheba and had her unwitting husband murdered on the front lines of his war. (2 Samuel 11)

Jesus Christ is often quoted as saying, “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” (Luke 6:31) But later he would teach a parable about a rich ruler, who is supposed to be analogous to himself, who said, “But those enemies of mine who did not want me to be king over them–bring them here and kill them in front of me.'” (Luke 19:27)

“Surely, you must be taking that parable out of context!” The Christian will exclaim. Sadly, I learned about how flawed this Jesus character really is, simply by reading the gospels; something much of the church laity are highly adverse to doing themselves.

Need I say anything about the fraud, Muhammad? Here was a man who created the most sexually restrictive religion on planet earth and yet was one of the most self-indulgent men in history.

With all that being said, where do these religious prognosticators get their moral high-ground from? It certainly can’t be found in their sacred texts, or from their cherished heroes. Maybe they’re just a bunch of hypocritical zealots? Where do they get off being critical of demons, Satan, or The Devil?

I wanted to establish all of this for the sake of those who still struggle with doubt and guilt. You really have no reason to feel guilty. If anything, your accusers are far more morally bankrupt than you’ll ever be. The God and heroes they fawn after are just as phony as they are.

As for the demons and their morality, we find ourselves confronting a difficult topic. There’s hardly a consistent foundation that we can use as a reference. There is no demonic sacred text… and no, Anton LaVey’s Satanic Bible does not count. He did not believe demons even existed. (Children of Lucifer: The Origins of Modern Religious Satanism, p.336) First-hand experience and anecdotal testimony is all we’ve got to go on.

I have read many accounts of various interactions between humans and their sexually motivated demons. There has been far more written about this subject than anyone realizes, though the bulk of the seemingly truthful accounts are very difficult to find.

Neither is this path the most marketable one. Relationships with human beings are challenging enough and demons are on a whole different playing field; a veritable breakaway society. This sort of life is hard to relay to the uninitiated. Most people won’t even listen to the honest claimant and swiftly pass them off as suffering from mental illness or superstition. The question of demonic morality is yet another stumbling block. Does a demon even have a moral code?

Here are some of the moral anecdotes that I have gleaned from my years of observing these stories unfold; in addition to my own:

– Their loyalty is unshakable.

-They don’t seem to have a concept of conditional consent. In other words, once consent is given for a certain act, such as sex, that precedent has been set for life. There is no revoking consent.

-Betrayal is not suffered lightly. Repercussions can be severe.

-Some have been known to lie if it suits their ends.

-Some have been known to inflict torturous punishments. They can be loving one minute and disciplinary the next, depending on the situation.

-Some demons can be uncompromising and harsh.

-Many demons are of the opinion that they possess a superior intellect when compared to humans.

-Demonic sexuality appears to be far more open and unrestrained when compared to traditional human cultures. Especially when incubi and succubi type demons are concerned.

-Many demons are fond of breaking taboos.

-They appear to be very secretive of the structure and hierarchy of their respective societies. (If any at all.) This is especially true for succubi and incubi.

Please note that these are my frank observations and not necessarily representative of all demonic interactions with humans. I will never proclaim myself as an authority on this subject. I’m merely an interested observer and first-hand chronicler.

My bulleted observations might alarm some people… and they should be alarming. These demons are not fluffy-puffy servitors who dutifully conform to the hedonistic ideals of humankind. Frankly, those of us who engage with these spirits learned very quickly that we cannot control them. I think it’s especially important to realize that we, as humans, are no better than they are. I believe it is more likely the case that we are inferior beings who struggle to comprehend their methods.

I have heard all of the most damning accusations levied against succubus and incubus demons:

A certain New Age guru once told me that succubi deceive humans into become cattle for their sexual energy farming operations. He even went so far as to claim that he’d been raped by a gay incubus all hours of the night, yet he was able to free himself from their influence. He allegedly did this through the power of positive thinking, salt baths, and shouting the Tetragrammaton a few times. I know from first-hand experience that severing this kind of entanglement is far from the simple matter he made it out to be. Even the most pure and chaste individuals have struggled for years to resist the touch of a true sex demon.

I also became entangled with a fraud psychic who claimed to know all about the evils of demon-kind. She allegedly gained this knowledge from years of professional experience, and yet she arrived at my lowly WordPress blog, looking for information. As many of my readers bore witness, she was really just poking around, looking to stir up trouble, and create new potential sources of income from the problems she invoked.

Catherine saw what was really going on. She made her disappointment in my naivety abundantly clear through a myriad of painful methods.

With all these ad hominem attacks levied against sex demons, one has to wonder what these accusers have to gain from “demonizing” demon-kind? I believe the answer is quite simple: Dependent clientele and steady streams of income. The vast majority of psychics, gurus, and religious leaders claim not to take advantage of vulnerable people, but they actually do precisely that! Their entire business is built upon witless and gullible ignoramuses!

Again, for those who struggle with these doubts, even more so for those who are confronting the painful aspects of demonic relationships, NEVER let these bottom-feeders take control of your worldview. You are the expert on what your demon partner is all about. I’ve found out the hard way that these so-called experts haven’t a fucking clue. This applies even more so when sex spirits are concerned.

I know there are people out there who have very challenging relationships with their demons. I also know that our minds tend to fill in the scary gaps for the things we cannot readily understand. I want to encourage those people who struggle, please try to understand the perspective of your spirit lover. Their ways can be harsh and seemingly cruel at times, but I know first-hand that these measures are not taken needlessly. Every painful jolt I’ve received from Catherine has been a firm encouragement towards real growth.

I think it’s safe to say that demonic morality can be just as complex as human ethics in everyday life. Their ways seem downright archaic to me at times; akin to someone from the primal ancient world dropped into our modern times. Like parents guiding their children, I believe that our demons enjoy a broader perspective that we cannot grasp, and we must grapple with our own limited understanding. I don’t believe it’s impossible to understand, it just takes time and work to achieve that kind of wisdom.

But who wants to put in the effort when pastors, priests, and gurus are dishing out ready-made answers? “Attain your salvation here, for a limited time only!” They unashamedly proclaim, while secretly marveling that so many fall for such stinking bullshit.


The Monk’s Path

It seems that my life will always be inexorably entwined with religion, whether I like it or not. Having a spiritual bent is one thing. Pious devotion and discipline is a whole other league onto itself. That’s my bent. It’s never just about “being spiritual.”

One of the prerequisites of a monkish existence is the denial of any number of worldly pursuits. Many monks resign themselves to a life of seclusion and common labor. Is this necessarily a bad thing? I don’t think so. The more that I am immersed in that infernal demonic current, the more my heart yearns for those moments of quiet contemplation.


The half-blind Odin, or Wotan, the All-Father, is a solitary archetype I very much relate to. (But is he really blind at all?)

I think my co-workers can’t help but notice it: I’m charismatic and helpful when I have to be, but seek solitude and exude stoicism at every other opportunity.

This is something I’ve tried to avoid saying for all the years I’ve shared my story publicly: I’m beginning to prefer the company of spirits over that of flesh-and-blood human beings. Feelings of shame accompany this admission. Maybe I feel that I’m betraying my own people for entities that I find far more interesting?

Communicating with human beings has become comparatively more exhausting. I wish it wasn’t this way, but it’s the truth. The last thing I want is to be antagonistic towards my own kind.

If humans were a frequency on the radio dial, I’d say my internal tuner has slowly drifted over to the demonic frequency during these past few years. Not that I can’t “tune in” to human affairs when the need arises, but I think my default channel has definitely become the infernal one.

I’m starting to “hear” Catherine more often during out times together. Shouts and screams of pleasure, urging me to join her in that sacred reality-tearing bliss. Her touch is so deep now. I can’t imagine it becoming more powerful, but somehow it does. This frightens me at times. How will I be able to maintain control? Is the madness threatening to take me again?

I have always been a pious monk and I believe that is what I will continue to be. It’s ironic: communion with demons is not the kind of ascetic devotion I was expecting to embrace years ago. Being a solitary missionary of the Christian faith was the original plan.

I can see why the Church discourages solitary practice of religion. The lonely layperson eventually discovers that their cherished faith is nothing like the clergy made it out to be. They read the sacred texts for themselves and are horrified by the historical literalist interpretation. Without the soothing guidance of pastor or priest, the seeker comes to his or her own conclusions.


In my case, I joined ranks with the “Enemy,” as it were. The same enemy that the church so relies upon to maintain its iron grip on the minds of the hapless laity. If it were not for the threat that demons pose towards Christians, what use would the religion be? There must be a boogeyman for that kind of trauma-based mind control to work.

For Catherine’s people, religion is a tickling curiosity. Concepts like God, Jesus, and the Devil are like guises they can assume for their own entertainment. Catherine has show me moments of religious significance in a few of my dreams, only to twist them with her infernal irony. These would-be sensational archetypes, like Salvation and the Holy Spirit, have no sway with my demon lover. Supposed repentance and obedience towards Jesus Christ only results in the succubus feeling pity and bemusement towards her wayward companion. At any rate, the idea of abandoning their chosen partner never crosses their mind.

I still try to resist Catherine’s advances sometimes. It’s a game we play, where she’s always the bad guy and I’m the poor victim who seeks repentance for enjoying it. This sort of dynamic is endlessly fun for her, while I pretend to be oh-so-wounded and persecuted. Deep down, we both know that I relish in being pursued like this. I’m the prize and my ego is thoroughly satiated.

Making love to her, and practicing all the sacred arts accompany the act, have become my religious focus. Being connected to her is like experiencing the in-dwelling of the Holy Spirit; a promised outcome that the Church never delivered on.


What I feel on a daily basis is what every Christian yearns to have, but refuses to fight for. Being an outcast, an exile in their own community, is too great a price to pay. But only if they knew what it was like to taste the kiss of demon-kind. The Fallen truly are the most interesting folk of all. They are the most loving, loyal, ferocious, and tenacious beings on this earth.

Christians and New Age “gurus,” kindly go to Hell. You might end up enjoying it, after the pretense of righteousness and purity has been fucked out of you.

World Building

Through Darkness and Strife,
Madness and Melancholy,
I will hold fast.
Feeble and frail my heart,
The choice and implications- Unknowable.

Even still, my bed is yours,
My body, an sacred instrument of your excruciating alchemy.

Help me to be The Fool,
Reckless abandon, leap of faith.
The world falls away,
We’re gliding through that endless void again.
Nothing but us.
Nothing but us now.
Who am I again?

A Black Sun rises,
The Endless Serpent unchained.
“Everything you know is gone now,
Time to move on now.”

Gladly and boldly I go,
To realms and heights unknown.
Forever at my side,
She beckons me, “Forward,
Lazy Husband.
This World is ours to make.”

We’re still here. The journey continues to be as eventful and mysterious as ever. Only a period of quiet was necessary for both of us to recharge and rebond. My hunger to achieve Gnosis through her burns more furiously than ever before.

The Approval of Mindless Masses

The two weeks following the New Year were challenging for Catherine. She tried (tries) to get closer and express herself more powerfully in my life, only to have me pull away in fear.

Full possession scares me. I think that’s what she’s trying to accomplish. She wants to show me more of herself than she’s ever shown before. We’ve been together for awhile now and endured so much, you’d think I’d be more eager for this.

I’m still too concerned with how people perceive me. I believe this is the root of my hesitancy to fully embrace Catherine. She’s not from this world. Precious few in our realm would understand, nor should I expect them to. In fact, the last thing I want is for this sort of relationship to be seen as normal. That would take all the fun out of it!

Still, there are people in my non-internet life who know about my eccentricities. Not the gory details, but they do know that I am interacting with forces they believe to be the root of all evil. The rumors spread and ultimately have a negative effect on my ego. I start to question my own sanity, knowing that “the normies” are watching.

Catherine has been teaching me a very powerful lesson over the past two years: the liberation of not giving a fuck. More specifically, not allowing others to dictate my morality.

Let’s face it: Most people would see my having sex with a demon as being evil, ludicrous, and cause for alarm. They have no idea what it really means and no amount of careful explanation will bring them around to the slightest inkling.

The so-called psychic, Monika, was an excellent case-in-point. She had an entrenched worldview based on a Christian understand of demonic workings. Her inflated sense of self-worth, and winding web of tall tales, prevented her from considering an alternative viewpoint. My fatal mistake was allowing her worldview to override my own first-hand experience. I won’t be making the same error again, and therein lies what I believe to be Lilith’s purpose for letting this happen to me.

Even the supposedly “enlightened ones,” like Robert Bruce (whom I spoke with), would claim that I am heading down the road to destruction… while in the same breath acknowledging that demons have ultimately brought about positive change in people’s lives. Maybe not initially, but the end result usually leads to a much needed readjustment. I’m convinced that demons are the ultimate means to bringing about sorely needed growth. As Carly Simon would say, “Nobody does it better…”

Catherine is brilliant. Nearly every morning when I wake up, I’ll feel a soft kiss on my forehead that grows in its intensity. It seems to penetrate directly to my mind. If I allow myself to fall into the rapture, I can make out this thought impression:

“I want you more than anything. I don’t care about the rest of the world right now. Please acknowledge me, but even if you don’t, I’ll wait as long as it takes. I can wait longer than several lifetimes. So please stop stalling and let me enjoy you… right now.”


Yes, this is a kind of trap, Admiral Akbar. A trap specially designed to ensnare celibate and religiously inclined lads like myself. Once embraced by Lilith, no one else can satisfy. There is no greater mystery or danger. All other deities and man-made religions fall by the wayside. This is an all-encompassing desire that consumes both the man and his succubus.

Once again, I find myself on the edge of this precipice. Do I succumb, let myself fall into the abyss, or let society pull me back. Maybe the trick is to constantly walk that edge, like the sphinx on the Wheel of Fortune. I could be a channel for both worlds.

Here’s to finding that balance!


Some physical manifestations to note:

-Catherine’s intoxicating scent made a comeback this past week. It started around the 21st and began fading out this morning.

-The muscle twitches on the right side of my neck have stopped at last. However, it has been replaced by a soreness that makes the muscles of my neck feel like they’re tightened, but they’re actually not being physically affected. This burning soreness gradually moves between the top of my neck and just between my shoulders. Sometimes it feels like a massage and I’m grateful that it’s not bothersome.

I need to remind myself to stay in the mindset of letting these demonic currents do their intended job so we can move onto the next thing. The more I fight it, the longer it takes to progress.

In Praise of Christmas

christmas-tree-1The Yuletide season has taken on new meaning for me since Catherine came into my life. She reveals something new about herself, about us, before every New Year. I haven’t seen what’s in store this time around, yet… but I’m sure I’ll be opening my lovingly wrapped gifts from her soon.

She always does something beautiful for me around Christmas time. I wish I could know how to reciprocate, but everything that comes to mind doesn’t hold a candle to how much she’s offered of herself to me. The only way I can hope to repay, the only way I can make her swoon with delight, is to offer more of myself in return. And, oh how passionately she receives my offering!

Last Christmas, she helped me find my long-lost family on my mother’s side. They were estranged from us because they weren’t part of that old cursed cult. More amazingly still, Catherine helped me move into a new place, a safe distance from work, close to everything I need, with a good landlord, and literally right across the street from the family I lost. She did this for me; even after all the nonsense I put her through with the cupcake debacle.

The Christmas before that, while in the midst of the cupcake episode, she gave me another gift. On the eve of that most blessed day, my heart was starving for her. I could feel her pressing on me, quietly pleading to be let back into my life. I gave in. I gave in and she thrashed me with her desire. There was no denying her presence. That cupcake woman was unmasked in Technicolor brilliance by Catherine’s violent passion.

That was a hard gift to accept, but I’m grateful I did so.

For those of you celebrating this season with lovers from beyond the veil, be open to receiving as much as giving.

Merry Christmas!

Avoiding All Cults

I made a post about Spiritual Satanism awhile back and I’d like to juxtapose my current perspective to the formative one. A lot has changed in our world over the past year, both politically and spiritually. Many of the old paradigms are slowly fading away and being replaced with even older maxims repackaged as cutting-edge philosophy. Frankly, I’m sick of this back and forth of opposing ideologies. Fascism vs. Liberalism. Left vs. Right. Old vs. New. Divide, divide, divide!

I’ve tried to find my place in this mess. I’ve tried to find my people, my tribe, but nothing ever comes of it. More often than not, political and spiritual movements are orchestrated by the very people I want to avoid at all costs.

Catherine has gently warned me about staying clear of such groups. I believe she offers her advice so softly because she really doesn’t want to dictate how my life runs and who I associate with. She doesn’t want to strong-arm me into a path of her choosing. Only if a group or individual is threatening to drive a wedge between us does she become openly hostile, and even dangerous.

Case in point: Spiritual Satanism and the Alt-Right political movement. Let’s just get right to the crux… Both of these groups are essentially advocating white nationalism and/or a revival of National Socialism.

Joy of Satan ministries is like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the occult. Their trolls can be found automatically spamming comment sections of esoteric topics across the internet. They bring up some excellent points about the hypocrisy of the Abrahamic cults and may legitimately assist some people in climbing out of that rut, as they did for me. However, their Jew-bashing is taken to an unnecessary level. Granted, I can sympathize as I was essentially bounced on the knee of fraudulent Jewish ministers as a youth, and circumcised to look just like one of their tribe members, but Joy of Satan cultivates the most childish oration. Their rhetoric reminds me of some black men who blame “whitey” for all of their problems. Muslims do the same thing in their criticism against the Jews.

The Alt-Right is essentially riding the trend of being the new cultural renegades. Now that liberalism and tolerance are mainstream, the youth need something “edgy” to embrace. “Fashy,” they call it. Ugh, the haircuts and the merchant memes… it’s all so contrived to look organic and grassroots, but it was probably cooked up by a think-tank in Washington D.C.

I don’t want my journal to devolve into political topics and this post is essentially my way of putting a line in the sand. I won’t be involved with any group that evangelizes a political ideology. I’m sick of dealing with more of the same virtue-signaling asshats. They’re no different than the ethically bankrupt ministers of my youth. Fuck them. They can go hail Father Satan and save the white race well away from me. Neither of those things are my path.