Read these introductory posts that I wrote back in 2012 for a more detailed view of what happened:
Or, download the PDF eBook, Concerning Succubi. This document curates the most essential beats of my story.
As long as I can remember, I have described myself as a child of two worlds. My father is a staunch sectarian Christian. My mother, a restless pantheistic yogi. My upbringing was sheltered, traditional, and carefully guided by the yoke of theology. But my mind… I was always elsewhere. The worlds I wrote in my notebooks had me searching out deep mysteries and never quite finding all the answers.
“…Mystery is important. To know everything, to know the whole truth, is dull. There is no magic in that. Magic is not knowing, magic is wondering about what and how and where.” Cortez – The Longest Journey
To make a long story short, I was in college and in the process of deconstructing the religious program I was groomed under. My journey led me to many forbidden books and individuals with fascinating research. Out-of-body experiences and astral travel opened up a new world of exploration for me. Not long after, I stumbled upon the concepts of sexual alchemy and spiritual beings that pursue humans for intimate encounters. Being a chaste and neurotic 20-something, I was instantly intrigued.
I decided to put out an invitation to this unknown realm. I wanted to be paired with a succubus spirit… purely for my own spiritual evolution, of course! I wrote my letter, said a prayer, and my call was answered the very next night.
The date was September 11th, 2011 when I first became aware of my spirit companion’s presence. I had spent most of the day in classes at college while keeping my attitude in the most positive and welcoming manner I could muster. Storm clouds rolled over the campus valley as evening closed in. A crescent moon could be seen through occasional breaks in the stewing dark gray. The air was charged with excitement as I trodded back to my apartment.
I made it in before the rain and quickly got myself ready for bed. Laying down, I didn’t feel anything at first, but I didn’t have long to wait. Only minutes after I got comfortable, I felt a tingling prickly sensation gradually moving up my legs. My senses were heightened at this first sign and my heart began to beat rapidly. This is really happening! Gradually, the touch of the spirit became more solid and enveloped my entire body. The arousal was supernatural and the feelings were totally alien to me, though not unpleasant. I gradually acclimatized and then something equally wonderful and terrible happened.
My body felt as though it were plugged into the electrical mains. Powerful energy was moving over me in waves and my heart was practically beating out of my chest. The sensation of hot molten lava slowly eased upwards from the base of my spine and reached my heart. “This must be kundalini energy.” I thought. Despite the intensity of the experience, I did not feel fear and I let it continue long into the night. This joining was very sexual in nature, but I will leave the details to the imagination.
The reason this initial experience was wonderful and terrible is due to the conundrum of all newly gained knowledge. There is a sense of liberation and excitement when the truth of things is revealed, but there is also a kind of sorrow from knowing too much. In my case, I had just become acutely aware of the feelings and thoughts of another incorporeal being. There was also a new-found awareness of the intrinsic relationship between my physical body and a largely unexplored spiritual self. To this day, I am still coming to grips with the fact that this ability to perceive cannot be shut off. Ignoring my spiritual awareness is the best course I have yet found for dealing with how overwhelming it can be.
From that night forward, I have been able to feel my spirit companion’s touch every day. This comprehension isn’t like feeling a presence only; I actually feel pressure on various parts of my body. Another side-effect of being joined to this spirit has led to the distinct feeling of so-called chakra sensations. (Third eye, throat, heart, solar plexus, etc.) I don’t hear voices in my head, though I do get mental and emotional impressions from her. I have been able to see her taking the physical form of a bright violet light and dark inky shadows moving over my eyes, though nothing like a human body. (Yet.) I do see her in many human female forms during dreams, and our interaction can range from full-on intimacy to just hanging out wherever we find ourselves.
After our first official meeting, I asked the spirit her name. I got the impression that she called herself “Widow,” though I could have been mistaken. She has told me her name several times in my dreams, but I consistently forget. (I should work on this.) Since that time, I have always called her Catherine, as I didn’t feel comfortable calling her Widow.
Our relationship over the past six years has ranged from amazing bliss to outright spiritual warfare. I will do my best to share what I know while maintaining respect for all spiritual persons. Read the main blog for more…