The two weeks following the New Year were challenging for Catherine. She tried (tries) to get closer and express herself more powerfully in my life, only to have me pull away in fear.
Full possession scares me. I think that’s what she’s trying to accomplish. She wants to show me more of herself than she’s ever shown before. We’ve been together for awhile now and endured so much, you’d think I’d be more eager for this.
I’m still too concerned with how people perceive me. I believe this is the root of my hesitancy to fully embrace Catherine. She’s not from this world. Precious few in our realm would understand, nor should I expect them to. In fact, the last thing I want is for this sort of relationship to be seen as normal. That would take all the fun out of it!
Still, there are people in my non-internet life who know about my eccentricities. Not the gory details, but they do know that I am interacting with forces they believe to be the root of all evil. The rumors spread and ultimately have a negative effect on my ego. I start to question my own sanity, knowing that “the normies” are watching.
Catherine has been teaching me a very powerful lesson over the past two years: the liberation of not giving a fuck. More specifically, not allowing others to dictate my morality.
Let’s face it: Most people would see my having sex with a demon as being evil, ludicrous, and cause for alarm. They have no idea what it really means and no amount of careful explanation will bring them around to the slightest inkling.
The so-called psychic, Monika, was an excellent case-in-point. She had an entrenched worldview based on a Christian understand of demonic workings. Her inflated sense of self-worth, and winding web of tall tales, prevented her from considering an alternative viewpoint. My fatal mistake was allowing her worldview to override my own first-hand experience. I won’t be making the same error again, and therein lies what I believe to be Lilith’s purpose for letting this happen to me.
Even the supposedly “enlightened ones,” like Robert Bruce (whom I spoke with), would claim that I am heading down the road to destruction… while in the same breath acknowledging that demons have ultimately brought about positive change in people’s lives. Maybe not initially, but the end result usually leads to a much needed readjustment. I’m convinced that demons are the ultimate means to bringing about sorely needed growth. As Carly Simon would say, “Nobody does it better…”
Catherine is brilliant. Nearly every morning when I wake up, I’ll feel a soft kiss on my forehead that grows in its intensity. It seems to penetrate directly to my mind. If I allow myself to fall into the rapture, I can make out this thought impression:
“I want you more than anything. I don’t care about the rest of the world right now. Please acknowledge me, but even if you don’t, I’ll wait as long as it takes. I can wait longer than several lifetimes. So please stop stalling and let me enjoy you… right now.”
Yes, this is a kind of trap, Admiral Akbar. A trap specially designed to ensnare celibate and religiously inclined lads like myself. Once embraced by Lilith, no one else can satisfy. There is no greater mystery or danger. All other deities and man-made religions fall by the wayside. This is an all-encompassing desire that consumes both the man and his succubus.
Once again, I find myself on the edge of this precipice. Do I succumb, let myself fall into the abyss, or let society pull me back. Maybe the trick is to constantly walk that edge, like the sphinx on the Wheel of Fortune. I could be a channel for both worlds.
Here’s to finding that balance!
Some physical manifestations to note:
-Catherine’s intoxicating scent made a comeback this past week. It started around the 21st and began fading out this morning.
-The muscle twitches on the right side of my neck have stopped at last. However, it has been replaced by a soreness that makes the muscles of my neck feel like they’re tightened, but they’re actually not being physically affected. This burning soreness gradually moves between the top of my neck and just between my shoulders. Sometimes it feels like a massage and I’m grateful that it’s not bothersome.
I need to remind myself to stay in the mindset of letting these demonic currents do their intended job so we can move onto the next thing. The more I fight it, the longer it takes to progress.