She’s addicted to me, and I am enraptured by her. This makes my doubt and distrust all the more painful to carry on with. I hate harboring these fears. It doesn’t help that I feel attacked and smothered when I try to pull away from her.
She is a demon and I shouldn’t be surprised by any of this. She wants what she wants and she’ll take it from me in my sleep if need be.
The past few weeks have been very trying for us. I went to DragonCon in Atlanta with a few old college friends of mine. We had talked about going for years and we finally made it happen this time around. I wasn’t very impressed by it. Not really my cup of tea, I guess. It didn’t help that Catherine and I were fighting the whole trip.
Despite my misgivings about the convention, I really did have a great time bonding with my friends again. We made a lot of great memories, like eating up at the Sundial, and cracking jokes about the oblivious Pokemon Go players stepping in front of traffic. I really miss being with those guys all the time. I’d like to move back down there, but I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon.
Where I’m at now, Northern New England, really is the place to be. We have beautiful seasons; warm summers, the most vibrant fall colors found anywhere in the world, stunning winter vistas, and a clear view of the starry night sky. We even see The Northern Lights every once in awhile. I don’t want to leave this little paradise.
Back to my troubles with Catherine: When I feel that she’s overstepped my boundaries, I ignore her and withhold sex from her. Ironically, I was the one who originally coaxed her into manifesting more powerfully.
“Please, baby, I want to feel you better! I want to see you and hear you more often!” A hypocrite, right?
When she does finally push my initial limitations, I shut down. My mind has trouble assimilating the hyper-real experiences and I defaults to the old, “She’s attacking me!” routine.
Some of you guys must be thinking, “Wow, it must be hell to be so smothered with affection.”
I know. I realize how spoiled I must sound. Still, these are some of the battles that arise from a very powerful succubus always wanting to enjoy her frustratingly combative lover.
She really likes that word. She wants to take our relationship to that level. I was reading about some of the old Gods from primordial European lore and was struck by how much more personable these Gods were. Real friendship existed between mortals and those higher up on the World Tree. Catherine positively vibrates with the word, “Friend,” setting all my nerves ablaze.
She’s not only interested in being my lover. We’ve been doing that for five years now. Friendship keeps coming up, despite how difficult I’ve been. You’d think we would have been friends from the start, but that’s not true. We’ve been very friendly and sweet on each other, but “friend” is something far more sacred to me. I guard that word carefully. Precious few in my life have ever been given the title. And making love does not equal friendship in my mind.
This picture illustrates my relationship with Catherine so perfectly. There I am, on my knees, praying for deliverance while she skillfully seduces the will to fight right out of me. I think Rafe was right in saying that celibate monks, like he and me, are irresistible to succubi. They love breaking through those walls of pious self-discipline like hot knives through butter.
“God will forgive you, my love. He knows that you can’t resist me. Might as well let me touch you now, or would you rather me take you in your sleep?”
“Darling, I am no threat to you. God knows that you need to feel love. It is not good for man to be alone, my love. Let me embrace you as the Shekinah pines for the Most High! You need to feel me, and I am desperate for you. Come and dream with me awhile, little holy one. Let me show you visions and wonders hidden since the beginning!”
I can’t resist that. It’s a match made between heaven and hell.