These experiences that I’ve been having with invisible lovers… what if it’s all in my head? What if the things that I perceive to be physical touches and manipulations are the amazing result of a complicated mental disorder; like a touch-sense form of schizophrenia?
I can’t call myself a rational and honest person if I didn’t consider possibilities like this. You could throw Occam’s Razor all over the entries I’ve made in this blog and I would have no choice but to concede that the simplest explanation is likely to be the right one. There is a good chance that all of this… my succubus blog… is a detailed account of a very complex personal delusion.
However, I find it interesting that I’ve managed to find a small group of individuals who have corroborated my experience; right down to the details of what these “spiritual” interactions entail. We also experience the same uncertainties. Another common trait is that these beings appear to have a very different moral code from our culture… in some cases, but not all. Some of us experience personalities of intense and relentless love; this happens to be my experience… lucky for me. Others, unfortunately, haven’t been dealt the same good fortune. I won’t divulge details, but there are some who live with beings who are insufferable and downright malicious.
Frankly, this ability to compare experiences over the internet is the only element holding me back from considering myself to be enjoying a very pleasurable mental illness. Some of these individuals have been sharing their stories and comparing notes with others for many years. It’s nowhere near empiricism, but it’s the best we’ve got for now.
I want for there to be some way to prove that these beings exist in reality; the reality that science agrees upon. Unfortunately, Catherine has argued against the idea of using science to discover her race. It’s really strange to have these debates in one’s own head… I’m constantly bashing Catherine back with the claim “Shit… here I am arguing with myself again. I can’t be sure it’s actually YOU talking, can I?”
And just like attempting to confirm the existence of succubi, I can’t confirm that this alternative voice in my mind is Catherine’s either. There are times when I can be more certain of what she says than others, but she’s made it quite clear to me that she doesn’t work in the realm of language and logical reasoning. Instead of using human language herself, it’s like she directs or influences the path that my thoughts will take. I’ve also got the emotional feedback system… but even with that, I’m still attempting to treat a complex emotional person like an engineering project.
It’s like trying to get a presuppositional apologetic Christian to agree with a scientific atheist. These two work in completely different paradigms and it’s highly unlikely one will understand the other. Much the same way Catherine and Sara are very reluctant to use human language and reason to express their ideas and desires. They sound nonsensical and contradictory on the surface. It’s like trying to translate computer machine code into a musical composition and expect to hear a symphony.
However, I don’t believe the things that Catherine and Sara attempt to communicate to me are nonsensical and contradictory. I think it’s simply counter-intuitive. Kind of like how quantum physics is counter-intuitive when compared to Newtonian physics.
Again, there is a chance that I might be mentally ill. However, I will argue that I might be working with beings who think and express uniquely when compared to our established means of language and reasoning. I’m not saying that science is wrong. Rather, I believe that wherever my succubi come from, the rules are different.
On that note, I believe I am improving when it comes to discerning the emotions of my invisible lovers. The feelings are more powerful and discernible. I still have moments of sheer confusion and I’ll throw up my hands in frustration; threatening to be done with all things spiritual for good.
Usually, I’m just trying too hard to understand when communication becomes frustrating. The most consistent advice I get from my lovers is to simply “feel, and you’ll know.”
Well, feeling is still too general for my taste. I’m not the best when it comes to perceiving details. However, I must remind myself of the amazing progress we’ve made over the past two years. I should be more appreciative and satisfied with all the work that’s been put into this relationship.
As with previous updates, the touch sensations I feel have become much more powerful, and they continue to gain in their intensity.
I believe I have identified an indicator that the sensations are about to become more intense; more “real.” One evening, I felt this very distinct vibration moving over my body. It was like Catherine was becoming more solid through a vibrational change. This is consistent with some of the sensations I’ve experienced with out-of-body travel. Much of our interactions have to do with the intermingling of spiritual bodies and vibration.
Now, I can feel distinct sensations of heat and skin texture; especially the difference between what might be lips kissing my face and hands touching my temples. I can perceive that Catherine’s lips are softer and moistened compared to her hands. Her kiss feels incredibly good now. It catches me off guard every time she does it.
I’m beginning to hear different sounds of love making when we “do it.” These sounds have occurred before, but they happen much more frequently now.
I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but there are times when I can smell my spirits… or maybe it’s a kind of perfume they put on me… I’m not really sure. It usually lasts for a few days and it smells really good to me. It’s like the scent of human sweat mixed with a subtle aphrodisiac. I feel as though I’ve picked up this scent when I was very young… or maybe it was from before my life began… I don’t know. Regardless, it’s a welcome and comforting addition to this experience.