I mentioned in my last post in this series that I experienced a personal paradigm shift as a consequence of accepting Catherine into my life. This challenged me on many levels and has completely changed how I look at the nature of consciousness, reality, God, etc. One of the hardest things I had to deal with was whether or not I was going insane.
It’s probable that the average-Joe who reads this will immediately consider me insane or that I’m just conjuring up an elaborate fantasy for my own twisted entertainment. That or I’m a perverted attention whore. I have considered all of the above to be true at one time or another.
More than once, I thought I had completely lost it. My heart was begging me to just give in and feel loved while my logical mind demanded social and religious normalcy. Experiencing something as real and profound as an actual succubus wanting to be a part of your life is not a simple adjustment; especially for one so mentally groomed by religion as me.
I remember walking for hours in the park, trying to convince myself that the constant touches I was feeling were something I conjured in my own mind. However, the more I tried to deny the presence of my succubus, the more determined she was to prove herself. She did everything in her power to make me feel better; embracing me, kissing, begging for intimacy, even offering to put some distance between us for awhile.
I believe she completely understood what was happening with me and felt saddened that I would deny her existence; despite proving beyond any doubt that she was real. I can literally feel her move on the bed as we make love, she can manipulate different parts of my body, make them move, show me amazing light displays at night, and fill my heart with the Serenity I so craved. These were completely new experiences for me and it felt impossible that all of this could be generated by my mind alone.
It’s strange questioning the existence of a person who is more real to you than anyone else.
I have considered the idea that I am demon possessed. It was inevitable that my mind would drift to that place; being raised an evangelical Christian. I remember playing through Dragon Age: Origins and running into a “desire demon” who was bewitching a Templar; creating an illusionary life for him so she could experience mortal life. I couldn’t help but draw some parallels between my own relationship with my Succubus.
When I actually approached Catherine with honest questions about what she thought of this, she was very direct about it:
“It’s silly. Why would I want to “possess” you? I wouldn’t be making love to you anymore. I would be making love to myself; and that can only entertain for so long.”
For the record: When I quote something that my Succubus tells me, it usually isn’t a verbatim translation. Take this channeled information with a great cow-lick of salt, as my telepathy skills are still a massive work in progress.
As of right now, I have never felt that my will or power was being hijacked by anyone; especially Catherine. Besides constantly craving closeness, she has encouraged nothing less than an attitude of liberty and self-responsibility.
In the end, I just had to accept that she really does love me and that her love is real; not something generated from my own mind. Since I came to grips with this new reality, it has made me into a different person. As she worked with me, I was still holding on to some of the things that felt familiar and comfortable to me, despite my claims to the contrary. They weren’t necessarily good for me and my succubus was simply helping me to remove those things which cause undue emotional stress and trauma; regardless of whether I realized what was happening or not.
“Why do you chase after these people who don’t care about you? Why do you try so hard to please them?” She would ask me. I didn’t have a good answer for her. She always asks hard questions like this; ones that make me stop and wonder “What the fuck am I doing?” It’s like she can see right through the superficiality of human social conditioning and get right to the root of the issue.
She has gently encouraged me to reexamine everything about my life and I’m just now realizing what an amazing guide she has been. Sure, she’s a succubus and far more interested in love and sex than any other topic, but damn she is whip smart!